All of Jungleland was agog as the results of this year's Ugliest Animal of the Year awards were announced. Exclusive first reactions from representatives of the winning species and the nine runners-up. In 10th place: The red-lipped batfish: "Huh, we've smeared Siren Scarlet all over our mouths, faces and beyond and get dumped to the 10th place! We're mother Nature's vamps, so come on boys, give us a kiss."
In ninth: The aye-aye: "It's not fair! This is what we get for never, ever combing the scraggly grey cobweb wisps on our heads and looking sad and dyspeptic all our lives? We've inspired Hollywood trolls, Speilberg gazes deep into our eyes for inspiration. As for the judges, they can have our middle finger.
In eighth: The star-nosed mole: "Look at us, just look at us. Gross, right? Long, red, flesh-naked nodules flaring out of our faces in a starburst of horror and revulsion, outsize dirty yellow claws (you can get rabies just by looking at them) And what do we get for our efforts? A lowly eighth place. Sheesh!"
In seventh: The warthog: (Tossing his head and gnashing his tusks, snorting and blowing methane from his nostrils) "Get down from that tree, you lily-livered cowards and I'll show you who's a handsome pig. God's gift to mankind, we are and we taste handsome too them lions are always chasing after us and our piglets. Just let us at those judges, toss them about for salad, we will."
In sixth: The naked mole rat: "What, sixth place? How many almost blind, hairless, crepe-skinned orthodontists were there in the jury? None? See, there's a biased jury! You need at least eight for a fair assessment. Then see who wins."
In fifth: The Californian condor: "We have a naked head and neck in sunburn-pink, veins blue and phlegm yellow, are bald, stuff our faces in rotting carcasses, have dewlaps that can take your breath away and we land up fifth? What have they got against baldies?"
In fourth: The Titicaca water frog: "Do you know what we're called? Do you even know? We're called the scrotum frog, and we're scum green too. If that's not ghastly enough, tell me what is? And for that we're given not even a podium position. Have those idiots in the jury ever looked at themselves or each other in the shower? Here's a mirror, folks, eww!"
In third: The kakapo: "We're sad, lonely, almost extinct parrots, have a face like an owl, can't fly or talk, so we think maybe we are more deserving of the saddest bird in the world award, rather than third place as the most ugly animal. Still, we take what we're given with all humility and hope to have babies we can pass this great honour on to."
Runner-up: The Proboscis monkey: "Bah, we have never been so insulted in our lives. One would have thought the jury had better sense. I mean, just look at our hooters the girls love 'em, they can't take their eyes off them! It makes us look noble, solemn, dignified, scholarly, born leaders of man-and-simiankind. (Yes, rimless bifocals resting on our nose tips would be great!) We refuse to accept the award."
The winner: The blobfish: "We are honoured and humbled. This is what we have evolved for so hard, for so long. They're the only species that tries to exterminate themselves. They spew muck wherever they go, on the ground, in the water and in the sky and even in space. So humbly, we would like to dedicate the award for this year and evermore to the one and only greatest ever species to have lived on this globe: Homo sapiens. Thank you."